And it's the most shameful secret a writer could keep. Especially from another writer. Are you ready for it? Are you sure? It's not pretty -- just to warn you.
Here goes:
I haven't written anything in four months.
(I'm hoping most of you have really poor eyesight and aren't able to read the fine print.)
If you're blessed with great vision, on the other hand, you know just how terrible a writer I've been. Just, please, don't hold it against me. It's shameful, I know, but it's something I've been dealing with a lot lately -- the inability to write, even though I'm certain that's exactly what I should be doing.
They say -- who are those they people, anyway? -- after you complete your first book (or any book, really) you should keep on writing. After you've sent out a batch of queries, start writing the next book, they say. It just might be better than the first.
But therein lies my entire problem. I can't write the next book. Because my next book is the sequel to my first.
The Socialite took me a grueling three years to write. They were the longest three years of my life. After I finished, I vowed to query widely and take a much-needed break from writing. Instead, I figured, I'd draw up an outline for book two -- which I'd mostly put together in my head anyway -- and work on getting my act together as far as my blog and Twitter account were concerned. I figured I could meet more writers, read more blogs, and put a dent in my TBR pile, too. I had no idea how long a break I intended on taking, I just wanted to take one, period.
But then something unexpected happened.
I didn't take the time required to write a really good query letter. I mean, in all seriousness, who's to say there's a perfect way to write one, anyway? Still. You'd think someone who labored over her novel for three years would put similar effort into perfecting her query letter, but that just wasn't the case. I'd waited years for that scary moment to arrive, so as soon as I typed The End, I couldn't press that send button soon enough.
Huge, huge mistake.
The rejections started pouring in, and with them, a stream of doubt, too. Maybe this concept isn't as great as I think it is. Maybe, even after three years of working at it, I'm still a newbie at this whole thing, after all. Maybe those three years were wasted. Maybe this book just really sucks -- not that a single agent out there has read the entire thing or anyone's ever said that, but still.
So I improved my query letter, over and over again, then sent out those improved copies with renewed hope. I got a few bites here and there, but nothing spectacular. And nothing spectacular resulted from those bites, either. If anything, my doubt -- both in myself and in my book -- grew.
The ending didn't seem quite right anymore. A few other scenes towards the end weren't sitting well with me all of a sudden, either. And then I started wondering if I'd layered the plot too thick, if the entire concept was a little melodramatic. It felt so unbelievably right for three years. Why wasn't it feeling right anymore? Was it simply the result of multiple rejection letters? No one ever told me anything was wrong with The Socialite. I just couldn't -- I still can't -- shake that horrible, hovering feeling of doubt.
So that's why I haven't written anything in four months. That's why I haven't started on book two. How can I move on if book one still somehow feels incomplete? And more disconcerting than that, why should I even start writing book two if The Socialite seems unlikely -- so far, at least -- to sell itself? Maybe I haven't given it enough time, but fear of failure plagues me nonetheless.
Back in January of this year, I blogged this: "I'll continue writing books two, three and four whether book one gets published or not." But I was a lot more optimistic then. Now I'm not so sure.
I just hope that lingering feeling of doubt flees once I tweak The Socialite a little. Because I hate being stuck in the kind of rut where I don't write at all. And I hate feeling as though I have to keep it a secret from all of you.
27 comments:
Oh, Ashley! I want to give you platitudes and kind words that will make all your writing joy come back and get you working on book 2. But I know all too well that feeling, and I've definitely gone long chunks without writing and no kind words were going to make it any better. Don't lose faith in your book. If you can take a break and work on something completely different--maybe some short stories?--go for it. Otherwise, I do believe the writing passion will return. It always does eventually. Just keep plugging away....
Keep writing!! Don't give up. I am with you...seriously! There are those of us out there who are dying to read The Socialite series.
I'm attending a query workshop this weekend taught by our girl-fight buddy (Roni Loren)....I am so close to the end of my manuscript, need to edit, and then I want to query the heck out of it.
You're my beta reader....remember? We're in this together.
Ashley, dear! It's okay. It REALLY REALLY is. I think we've all been there, or if we haven't yet, we will be at some time or other. Writing is just too closely linked to our emotions not to take dips and dives, you know? I've been there myself.
The main thing is, like Tiffany said, continue to write on some level. Just, please, stop beating yourself up; accept that it's one of the phases of writing, and discipline yourself to start writing a set amount of words each day.
I'm with you in spirit, girl. All you need is to remember what made you fall in love with writing to begin with. Once you make that connection again, your muse will come out swinging.
Keep at it! If you believe in your novel, just keep revising, querying, and believing in your work. Have you read Kathryn Stockett's essay about getting rejected 60 times before her novel got picked up? It's a really, really, really great essay especially for writers who start to doubt themselves. Check it out! :)
http://www.more.com/kathryn-stockett-help-best-seller
1) I'd recommend NOT writing #2 second. Not because you won't write it eventually, but because you need to stretch out, learn to write a different story. Come back to the Socialite world after you have at least the first draft of your new-shiny book completed. After that, constantly have more than one project going at a time, all in different stages of the process. (That was Kevin J. Anderson's advice: http://bit.ly/mBYUy1 --see #4.) Don't let yourself become the kind of writer that can only write one story.
2) I'm finishing up editing my first WIP this month *crosses fingers* and hope to start writing a new-shiny story of my own in July or August. Wanna race?
3) Spreadsheets. Isn't that the most loveliest word ever? S p r e a d s h e e t s. I have the most loveliest spreadsheet that keeps track of your daily word count. Want it? :D
Stating the obvious is boring, but here goes anyway: you're good enough to beat this thang. If you don't give up. So don't give up. :)
Hi Ashley- I'm relatively new to your blog but I am loving your content so far.
Thank you for your honesty in today's "confession". Fear sucks. I hope you get back to writing soon.
Ashley, most of us have "been" there, so don't ever feel guilty. I went on a 6-month writing hiatus. During my non-writing time, I read a LOT of books. Then one day, the muse started kicking me again. I've been writing since. Take heart, you'll get back to it, but don't force yourself to write just because you feel guilty not doing it.
:) We're behind you, girl.
Shame on you for keeping secretes! :)
But, you are only human! :) Sometimes you need a break too. Everyone goes months at times. It happens, life happens. When you're ready you'll get back to it. And if you weren't writing, it was for a reason. You don't want to force what you are working on.
OMG I am with you girl! I haven't done anything consrtuctive since we finished the final edits of my ms and now, after like two months of writing nothing, I am finally back o the horse... only it's the wrong project! I NEED to be working on my next book, or even the one after that, as my agent has said that I should have some things ready to show potential editors of what else they can expect from me - as in more women's fiction. The problem is they only think I can seem to get inspired to write is a YA fantasy that honestly, will most likely never get published. BAH!
Point of my blabbering, write whatever you are inspired to write, even if it's something you know you will never think to publish. There is actually a lot less pressure that way, and when the pressure is gone, it's easier to work on new things. and if all else fails, I truly believe that sometimes not writing is just as important and writing.
Good luck hun!
Hmmm. I get it. But don't worry. My first book has taken me years to finish and the second less, so cheer up! Btw, I have had longer periods of no-writing *ashamed* it's a seasonal thing, lol. Anyway, I think you should query some more and mostly--work on another project. Take a break from the story, it'll do you good. :) Good luck!
I read your post with empathy. I'd planned books 2 and 3 of first novel, but that one never got very far. However, I went ahead and started something totally different, won a grant from SCBWI for it, then got an agent. Never give up!
Write a short story. Better yet, go for a bike ride. When you come back, write a story about it...it'll be the lamest thing you ever write, I bet, but it will be words on a page, and that's a step in the right direction.
I popped in here from a retweet on Twitter. Honey, I wanna give you a hug, first. Then, and this is what everyone says....(and I say it in the spirit of Dory from FINDING NEMO) - just keep writing, just keep writing, just keep writing.
Now, with that said, I'm in the middle of my first WIP (second actually, as I've hidden the first awful one) so I have no experience to back up when I say 'just keep writing' other than when writing is woven into who you are, keep being who you are.
I had a similar dry spell a while back. It went away. But in a way, it was kind of a relief. When I'm writing, it's because I have to. It's the only way to get the voices out of my head.
Don't sweat it, you'll get your mojo back. All writers do.
*hugs* I've so been there. My first book I queried got some requests, but then the rejections rolled in. ANd I started feeling worse and worse about the book. It can totally seize up your creativity. I had a sequel planned as well but felt the same as you are right now--how can I take the leap of faith on a sequel when this one hasn't sold?
I took some time, blogged. Then I decided to write a different genre (romance instead of YA) just "for fun" to "cleanse my palette." Taking that pressure off helped me a lot. That book ended up winning some contests and helped me discover that I really felt more comfortable in the romance genre. So I queried that one (it got publisher interest, still has it) and while I waited, I decided to do another "just for kicks" project, which turned out to be an erotic romance and the book that landed me the agent and deal.
So I don't know if your book is something that is going to work out for you or not. You may just have not found the right match with an agent yet. But whenever you decide to end your break, I would suggest you try a totally new project and leave the sequel of your current book in outline form. Sometimes our current stories/characters feel like security blankets and bringing out your muse out for something not as safe and familiar can kind of jump start things again. And just write this something new for fun, to see if you can, to stretch yourself. It may turn into something or it may not, but you never know. :) I sure as hell never thought my scandalous erotic romance would be THE book that got me what i wanted, lol.
Google "Amanda Palmer Fraud Police" and then pick up your pen.
Honey, get on a flight to Minneapolis because we need a support group STAT. I have so been there, and I'm still there . . . but in a slightly different way. I wrote two books, heavily queried one. I got several bites and lots of back and forth with revisions with a few agents. Ultimately nobody signed me. I had to decide: keep going or move on. I decided to move and I'm glad I did BUT that was back in 2009 and I haven't finished a book since. Yes, I've written many short stories and had them published, which is great since I didn't even have one before I'd queried that book. BUT, I want to be a novelist. I write 50 pages and then hate the idea. I outline an idea for a few weeks, do some basic research, then . . . HATE the idea. I can't commit to anything. I think it's because I don't want to get as far as I did with that other book just to have it not go all the way again.
So, this isn't helpful since I have no sage advice. But I'm right there with you. I'm pregnant with my fourth baby by the way and I SO hoped and planned to have a rough draft of a novel written before my due date in November. I don't see that happening. :(
As for your situation, I wonder if it's time to put the series away for a while. So few people get their first book published. Instead of writing book 2 of the series, spend some time at the book store exploring what other books out there spark new ideas for you. Just a thought . . .
Awww! I just want to take you out for a girls' night out right about now (you read my blog, you know we both could use a drink)!! Wouldn't that be fun? No writing talk allowed--gossip about cute TV boys only! ;o)
Seriously though, my advice--come up with a short blurb for a possible book 2 (just something to show agents if/when the time comes), and then start something fresh. You can still send out queries- a couple every week or so, but don't let this book take over your life!
I started my second book while querying the last. It's SO different from my first book, which is EXACTLY what I needed. I had a blast (most of the time) writing it! When it did come time to set the first one aside (which you know was recently), I had something else to work on. It definitly helped ease the pain.
Remember, you are not a one trick pony! You're a multi-talented girl who can write anything! ;o) Thinking of you, friend :o)
Ashley don't worry!!! I feel like I'm where you are. I've been writing my novel for 2 years and I felt so good about it, like it was finished. Then after waves of agent rejections, my doubts grew. After sending out X number of queries and having them all come back negative, it's so easy for hope to deflate. Then I joined this critique group and suddenly so many people have all these opinions of what I should change. Big changes. Changes that turn the beautiful finished product back into a messy WIP. And that's where I am now. I can't even decide which changes I want to make and what I want to keep, because my book doesn't feel like 100 percent mine anymore. But you know what? It's okay! You don't want to give up. I sense your dilemma with the sequel and I say go back to the original. Some people write five novels in 5 years and the fifth one gets published. Some people spend 5 years perfecting one novel until, yes finally! It gets published. If it's making you too crazy, just keep the outline for the sequel and start a new project, totally unrelated to the characters in The Socialite ( I have yet to do this myself). Keep on truckin' Ashley! You can do it!!!! <3
First time visiting, so glad I have! This post, it just hits hard. I'm only working on book one, and every day is a struggle and I haven't even come as far as you. I keep telling myself that I'm writing for an audience of one (me), and that's all fine and dandy, but it hardly keeps you going.
Since this is only my first visit, I won't suggest that I can offer any advice, only that I think this is perfectly normal and maybe you should think about just writing a little bit each day, on anything, instead of focusing on a descriptive goal. If you keep doing it, I bet you'd be surprised what comes of it.
Good luck!
:(
Sad face for making me get out my driving glasses from the Jeep to read that teeny weeny font ... I was kinda hoping it would be something salacious .. or like you really are your own grandma or something. *grins* Just trying to get a chuckle out of you ...
And its A-OK Ashley. Really it is. There's no point in dwelling on what you haven't been doing. Try to focus on what you CAN be doing .. like tomorrow ... after some home-baked goods and a cup of coffee.
I think as aspiring authors we all say 'Oh yes I'm TOTALLY ready for the mountains of rejections' but then when they actually come our heart muddles our original focus with all this self-doubt.
Dig out some of your readers (Alpha & Beta) and maybe go over a few parts that's striking you funny now. Listen to your instincts with the confidence you had back in Jan.
I believe in you. All the above commenters believe in you. Now go find that Ashley Graham who believes in you too and don't waste another day! *hugs*
I agree with Robin above. Try stretching out with something else. Anything from flash fiction to another story world completely.
Writing the first couple of chapters of a story in a different genre helped me find my voice. When we write something completely different, it's easier to see which aspects of our writing are "us." So there are the potential benefits of getting your muse back online AND becoming a stronger writer by doing something different.
First off, hey! I feel like we've been out of touch lately! :)
Second, I've been there. My first book took forever to write and the thought of diving back into something else, something new, almost killed me. But when I did, I wrote KILLER CUPCAKES and it was in writing that book that I felt like I really learned what writing was about. I know it's hard because you love your baby but branching out will help you in the long run.
Also, my first book took a year and a half to write, KC took a month. My third book that I'm writing now will take about two months. I think the process gets easier the more you write. Or for me it does anyway.
I have two more books planned for KILLER CUPCAKES but until I get an agent and a deal, I just hold on to the ideas and write my new stuff.
Just remember that not writing book two of The Socialite doesn't mean you're giving up on it. I know it feels that way, but it just means that you're adding to your personal writing library and getting better for when you DO write it. :)
I really agree with Robin and others above. Robin said it right! Try something new. Don't feel stuck. I wrote the first book in a potential MG trilogy (which I am querying) and now I'm writing a nonfiction proposal. Maybe I'm crazy, but I cannot start book 2 of that trilogy right now...and maybe the nonfiction is what will make me most happy. Who knows? Keep trying new and fun avenues...just make sure they are exciting to you.
The writing world is a tough one. While I had one of my books on submissions with a publishing house I didn't write at all. I felt so blocked. It was 5 months that were filled with silence. Every day sucked. I wanted nothing more than to fill the pages with words. I feared I'd never write again.
Then I got the rewrite & resubmit.
It wasn't a rejection but it wasn't the yes I'd hoped for. I realized later I was saving myself from a mistake. I wanted to be with this house beacuse they were easier to get into - or so I thought. I just wanted my book somewhere. They did the right thing rejecting me. I wasn't good enough yet, my writing wasn't edited correctly. Now even though I'm still agentless and publishing houseless (yes I made that up) I'm happy just being me.
250 words a day no matter what. You'll get what works best for you. Everyone has bad months.
PS - I'm a new follower (and apparently long-winded).
I wrote a blog post of my own after I read this. Linked you, too, and a few other bloggers noted your post. You're not alone, believe me.
Here's a link to the post, if you're interested in reading it.
http://www.danielcavallari.com/2011/06/5-things-am-i-a-writer/
Ashley,
I'm thrilled I was led to your blog. Honestly, I believe it's serendipitous, as I "as they say" am in the same boat with you. I want to thank you for writing this, for being honest, and saying what many of us are thinking, feeling -- wallowing :) I don't know about you, but often times I identify myself as a writer. This means, when I am not writing well, -- or at all -- essentially I lose myself. When I'm able to pause long enough to put my neurotic behavior into perspective, I know that, truthfully, I am so much more than a writer; however, I feel the ability to express oneself with words is a gift, and one I should never take for granted. I become overwhelmed with shame and guilt during the storms and dry spells, and sometimes it is days before I can pull myself from the defunct pit I've banished myself too. I am learning, though. The doubt, I'm quite sure, will never go away. It always be there, haunting our writer souls like a vengeful lover. But, it doesn't mean we can't be happy and learn a thing or to about tenacity and persistence. And in the long run, those attributes will pay indefinitely and render our writing more meaningful.
Thank you, Ashley :)
Cara
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